A belated May Day!

I'm a few days late to the "welcome in the month of May" party, which is fine because I was not in much of a welcoming or party mood on May 1st or even yesterday, both of which were grey, rainy, and just dismal days in general.  This wasn't an early showing of "June gloom" but all-day drizzle that put me into something of a funk.
Now that the forecast has cleared up and it's Thursday, I feel more prepared to embrace the month and all of its possibilities, good and bad.  Since my calf issue seems to be waning, I can spend some mental energy positively thinking about the weekend and the month.  Because there ARE more positives this month than negatives.
While I'd like to ignore the elephant in the room and not mention two "W" words at all (work and Wildflower), that would be silly.  So, in regards to the first topic, I will say that I feel something of a let-up in terms of stress.  I have tons of administrative crap to tend to over the next few weeks, but we're on the downward slide in terms of content and even school days.   Because of that slight sense that the end of the year nears, my thoughts have started to wander to June and a trip that we just started to officially plan, after talking about it for the past few months.
As for the second "W" which looms - Sunday is race day, and I'm finally over the mental and physical slump I experienced earlier this week and am now looking forward to it.  Michael has reminded me time and time again that I am at a different place than I was last year, in a positive way, and I'm now getting excited just thinking about the energy of the race and how beautiful it is there.  I admit that I've also planned out my dinner on Friday and Sunday night, and I can't wait for a nice meal Saturday night in Paso Robles.  Yah, we're obviously not camping after last year's aborted attempt!
Not that I'm looking too much beyond this weekend, but there is another race at the end of the month that will be a great way to almost-officially kick off the summer months.  Throw in a friend's weekend visit mid-month which will include good food and drink, I think that we are set!

Ambivalence about adulthood

Over the past few years I've learned that creeping responsibilities and maturity have hindered my more puerile preferences and tendencies, and I've taken on more and more trappings of being a functional, mature adult.  Obviously being in an committed relationship and checking off the married box on different forms gives me a greater sense of being settled, and it makes other people see me as an old married lady.  Then, there is the age thing - no way I can get around that!
Despite these labels and the outward acknowledgements of getting older and, maybe, wiser, I often struggle with the idea of adulthood and maturity.  My recent stress flare-up has everything to do with the fact that I'm "in charge" of other adults, and obviously that role seems to challenge me since I spend hours doubting my competence.  Add to that, the grey hairs that continue to spring about my head, threatening to overtake my still-glossy brunette locks (ha ha).  I often entertain the fantasy of getting in the car and leaving everything behind just so that I can be on my own.  You know, the old open road = freedom and adventure metaphor.
Over the past few days (weeks, months, years), I have spent time thinking about what the idea of being an adult means to me.  Not that there are easy answers, but I would like to say that I'm at least making choices about taking on more stress and responsibility.  No one TOLD me to take on a new position, and I knew that it would push me in different ways, and that was one of the reasons that I did want to take on the challenge.  Also, my greatest joys happen to come from the responsibilities that I have or have had.  Today, I briefly saw students who had graduated a few years ago, and even though it was a short encounter, it reminded me of why I *really, really* like this job.  And then, there are our dogs, Gus and Milo.  Talk about responsibility!  While they are not as demanding as children, they are all the children that we plan to have, and I have, to put it mildly, grown attached to them.

The boys in Santa Barbara.

A few recent purchases put into my mind the whole "adult" thing too.  On Saturday, I used a gift card and bought new work shoes.  To me, they are just sooooo middle-aged, proper, responsible and schoolmarmish.  Terrible, in other words.  Everything that I would like to reject! However, they were comfortable and not ugly, so I bought them.  I wore them today, all day, standing up, walking around, pacing back and forth, striding around, and they are great!  But, without a doubt, they make me feel OLD.  

On the other hand, we just got a new bed - our first bed purchased together as a couple after 6 years!  It is a definite upgrade for us, and I can't wait to either sleep deeply on it or toss and turn all night.  Either way, I'll feel like I've "arrived" as an adult, just because we have a new bed!  

So, there are major positives about this whole adulthood thing.  I suppose that I can trade the lack of freedom to roam for close relationships and an awesome new bed!

Obviously other people fully embrace the adult ethos without hesitation.  Perhaps I do have somewhat of a stunted emotional intelligence, OR maybe I'm honest about the ambivalence I feel about putting myself into that 'adult' box?

Deflated

I could also call this the "March bit me in the ass" post.  I feel a bit like this:

Deflated.   Source.

I know, lousy clip art, but I am definitely feel frustrated about my life right now.  A flat tire on a ride, actually, would preferable to the stuff that is driving me crazy, mainly because then it could be FIXED, whereas the stuff-driving-me-crazy right now is, for the most part, well beyond my control.  The good news is that I should have a break from a lot of the stressors in just over a week.  However, I still have to survive the next 8 days until next Friday, 2:31 pm.

Breaking down the "what is going on" is actually quite simple.  First of all, it is March, a month that traditionally throws plenty of curve balls at teachers in terms of students starting to miss class for one reason or another (a field trip! a college visit! leaving for a trip! sports!).  Add to that, Issue Number One:  I am having to work with two less-than-organized people on a project, over which I am not in charge, and they are driving me crazy.  Now, I do not consider myself a model of organization.  Any look at my office or school bag would be an immediate give-away of that, but when I have to work with other people, I do try to consider their time and energy and stick to meeting times and let people know well in advance when meetings are.  You know, try to have my proverbial shit together.   

So, that is Issue Number One which happens to cause Issue Number Two:  INSOMNIA.  Now, if anyone took the time to look at my profile, that person would notice that I mention napping as a hobby/interest. Sleep, to me, is vital in order for me to function.  Therefore, I do not enjoy sleepless nights filled with anxiety and frustration.  In fact, I hate them. They do indicate, however, my level of stress.  Thank goodness I don't have a job that produces REAL stress.  It's just crap in my head which prevents me from sleeping and drives me crazy.

Finally, Issue Number Three is the fact that, because of a lack of sleep, I ended up ditching a run and a ride last week because I felt so off.  That is frustrating, but I discovered that what is even worse than skipping a workout is completing a workout with the hope that it will serve as a good, healthy stress-release, only to find that after an hour on a bike, not only did I not manage to unwind on the ride but quite the reverse happened.  I spent the entire time on the bike ruminating over every single shitty thing that happened in the past week.  Maybe I needed more time in the saddle to just leave all my emotional garbage out there, but I'm not sure if I would have been able to do a true and thorough emotional purge.  

I do know that tomorrow is another day, and if I sleep tonight (not likely without Tylenol PM), then I should at least wake up with some expectations that it will be a good day.  Or, if nothing else, not a terrible day!

And, as I move through the days, each one does bring me closer to spring break for which I have great expectations!