End of the academic year - Reminders to self

Ever since my students took their AP exam, multiple endings and good-byes have marked the final weeks of the year.  It seems to be a rather long march, as I tick off many "lasts" from my list: last day of seniors, last day of classes, farewell parties to colleagues, last day of exams, the end of the senior trip, graduation (finally!), and then last day of meetings.  That final day of meetings is yet to come, but graduation certainly marks a moment when, as a community, we breath a collective sigh of relief.  Not that I can speak for everyone, but I know that Sunday night, as the pomp and ceremony came to an end, I felt much lighter, and, as usual, I spent way longer at the faculty/staff post-graduation party than I intended, probably thanks to the coconut shrimp that is always the highlight of that event.

I don't think that I "do" good-byes or come to a sense of closure very well, and this year was no different.  For my younger students, there is a sense of comfort that I'll see them around next year, even if I don't teach them, but the seniors start to slip away throughout the spring semester.  It's natural, and I'm usually fed up enough with some or most of them that I can't wait to see them leave my classes (yes, teacher of the year award here).  But then I head off on the Senior Trip, and it is usually a really nice way to conclude the year with lots of activity.  This year, I did the ropes course and surfing the same day and the next day, I felt muscles in my body that I didn't know existed.  Overall, the trip is exhausting but fun, and I usually have a few great conversations with random kids, and I end up appreciating them, which is a nice change from how I feel about seniors for most of the month of April.  However, the final morning, I'm officially burnt out - tired of sleeping in a filthy tent (after only 3 days, I'm a lightweight), sorting through dirty clothes, and feeling sunburned - and just ready to get home!  Friday, I returned home and promptly took a nap, after shoveling a salad into my face.  So nice to eat greens after a few days of an almost total-carb diet!  The outdoor group that we contract for the trip calls this the "float and bloat" trip because it's pretty low-key and the focus is on having fun.  And stuffing ourselves, obviously.

After more greens, sleeping more in a bed, unpacking all of my shit and doing mounds of laundry (how does one manage to get so many clothes so dirty in a relatively short amount of time?), I started to feel that I was returning to my normal self.  By Sunday night, I was able to put on a dress and look somewhat 'together' enough for the formality of graduation. Not that it really matters what I wear since we strive to be academic in cap and gowns, same as the graduates.  Again, pomp and circumstance!

This is also the time of year that I can look back and evaluate the experience as a whole.  As I conclude this year, I've felt a bit conflicted about my teaching, classes and connection to students.  Michael has commented that my stress level has seemed, to him, lower than usual.  I'll take his word for it, but I can't help but wonder if I've just slacked off a bit more this year.  Have I also been more negative?  More disconnected?  More discontent?  Or do I always find myself swirling in these thoughts at this time of the year?  I suspect that the answer to that question is a resounding "YES", especially as I think back to other years, some of which ended with much lower points than this year (like the year that I made a student cry; I realize that none of what I'm writing makes it seem as though I'm a good teacher or caring teacher).  But, still, it can be hard to get to this point and be all sunshine and warm happy thoughts.

Which brings me to the topic of reminders - things that I really should remember for next year:

- First of all, don't make any major professional decisions in May.  It sounds crazy, but at the end of the year, I almost always think about switching schools, changing careers or taking a year off.  I contemplate any number of options and even look at job boards for the hell of it.  Again, I'm not winning teacher of the year awards here.  It's not that I don't like what I do, but I seem to suffer serious burn out by the end of the year.

- During graduation, I should dress more strategically under the gown because it gets really hot!  Also, make one more bathroom before the ceremony.  I didn't have to majorly pee during the ceremony, but it was still a nagging thought as I sat there for hours.

- Do NOT, under any circumstances, look at people in the audience during graduation, especially during the most-boring-speech-ever (how did this student end up as Valedictorian - so boring!), because if they make a face at you and you start to laugh on stage, it doesn't look good.  Fortunately, I didn't start to laugh, but that was only because I bit the inside of my cheek really hard.

One of these days, I'd like to end the year without all this ambivalence towards myself, students, colleagues, and entire place of work.  Maybe that is where the idea of closure comes into play - so that I don't feel quite so torn about the experience.  But isn't the bittersweet ending a part of the experience?  If it weren't bittersweet, what would that mean, especially as we celebrate and say good-bye to students and certain colleagues?

And maybe this is why I like the academic calendar.  As soon as one year ends, I can begin to think about the next year, wonder how to tweak a unit, or restructure a class, or improve a project, and contemplate my own performance and personal experience.  There is always the hope that I can improve!

What is this 'relaxing' notion?

What IS this R-word?  This week, for a number of reasons, a ton of stress somehow floated away.  I wish that I could take all the credit for this and brag about my awesome ability to manage my stress, but that is not the case.  External factors have played a major role in stress reduction, but I'm not complaining!

I also think that last week I finally wrapped my brain around WHY I was gritting my teeth all the time and being a fairly unbearable person to live with.  Yes, there was the usual work anxiety which comes at this time of the year with the AP exam looming (I am thankful that I don't work at a truly high-stress job because I would obviously have multiple ulcers).  However, home stuff was stressing me out, and, on top of that, I was nervous about Wildflower, even though I swore up and down that I wasn't.  Or, if not nervous about Wildflower, I was worried about getting my workouts in and felt like I was being a total asshole because I wanted to prioritize working out, grading papers and planning classes, and also I aspired to be a decent person to share a life/house with, but I kept failing pretty miserably at that goal since I was super tense and not a fun person for several weeks.  I think the breaking point came last week when I accused another person in the household (the dogs were exempt from this accusation) of eating the last of the granola and then I went and cried.  First of all, this other mysterious person had NOT eaten all of the granola, we had a new bag because god forbid we actually run out of granola - gasp!  And secondly, I obviously needed to get a fucking grip on my life.

While I'm still a bit stressed about home stuff, especially because our dogs now have fleas and we're on a major offensive as we fight the infestation (we're blaming the neighbors' yappy dogs for this too - why not), I've experienced a sudden and major reduction in anxiety.  It's amazing!  Classes continue, but I can feel the year coming to a close, especially now that my students have survived their AP and felt pretty good about the experience.  Who knows what their scores will reveal about this confidence, but it's nice for them to sense that they were prepared for the exam.

I've also taken a major step back from exercise/training/working out, whatever you want to call it.  The previous two years, I bounced back from Wildflower pretty quickly, but I've spent this week focusing on major rest.  Some of that is not necessarily by choice - my *awesome* run last week apparently resulted in a calf strain.  Nothing terrible and it's feeling better as each day passes, but I was sporting a limp, especially walking downstairs, Monday and Tuesday.  I'm signed up for a half-marathon at the end of the month, but I've decided that if it doesn't happen, it doesn't happen - I'm not about to freak out about it.

The lack of grading combined with lack of exercise = lots of free time!  So, I've finally been to school events to support students, have cooked dinner more nights than not, and feel less irritable in general.  This is also coming on the heels of spending a great night with friends and their two-week-old baby boy and then, waking up this morning and not *having* to do anything today.

While this blissful moment probably won't last too long, it's a good reminder that I really need to incorporate more unscheduled moments in my week, if I can.  Not that I'm all work/no play, but sometimes even the play feels scheduled, rushed or forced.  I'd like to take advantage of this down time - do some reading, watch some movies, catch up with friends, and maybe even tackle some yard work!

And a side note to all of this: I hope this didn't come out as "Oh, I'm so busy! My life is complicated!".  It's probably busier than some people's lives, a lot more chill than others'. And I'm aware that I've made the choice for all of these stressors, some of which I handle better than others.

Looking backward and forward and sideways

Cheers, cheers to 2011 which was over about 36 hours ago now!  The main thought as tomorrow looms over me in a menacing way is that I need to seriously detox from the holidays and maybe from the year?  Perhaps 2012 will be easier on my liver?  That would be a good goal, but I'll pause before I commit to that.
I often hesitate to do a "Top 10 List" of a week, a year, a month, but there is something nice about reflecting on a year and the experiences that defined that year.  When I think about 2011, now well in the past tense, it seems that the year flew by.  Time is no longer marching along but seems to whirl at a quick pace, faster and faster with each year.  Maybe that's what happens as you get older?  Michael and I spent large chunks of time visiting family and friends, here in CA and other places near and far (Colorado, Texas, Las Vegas, the East Coast...).  While I have 'family' fatigue at the moment, over the past 12 months we enjoyed connecting with different cousins, siblings, nieces and nephews and other blood relations.  Michael and I are also thankful on a regular basis for the awesome dogs with whom we share our lives.  It's cheesy but true!
As for great discoveries or major moments of the year, we did have a few highlights:

•  Exploring the Central Coast (Paso Robles and environs) with my parents and on our own.

• Trying new places to eat that quickly became favorites: La Cabanita in Montrose and Umami Burger in LA come to mind!

• Avery Beer.  Amazingly good.  Need I say more?

Source

• The Wildflower Triathlon was one of the most amazing experiences for me.  While I can't repeat the thrill of the first time experience, I am looking forward to another awesome experience this May.  

• For both of us, feeling stronger, more comfortable and more confident on the bike!  While I still don't *love* cycling, I think that I'm getting the hang of it.

• Almost losing Gus, our dog, dealing with the stress of that and now spending a fortune on his special dietary needs!  He's pretty much fully recovered for which we are very appreciative.  (Although I'm not loving the farts right now for which I'm pretty sure he is responsible.

(I know, both of "the boys" are in the photo, but they're so darn cute that I couldn't help including them.  Plus, Tweedle De and Tweedle Dum - I do think of them together.)

There are countless great moments, some momentous, others small and quiet - 5 years of a shared life, frequent walks and hikes, some great runs and races, drives to the coast just to see the water, sharing a bowl of spicy noodles, laughing at myself, hitting the 100,000 mile mark in the car right around Santa Fe, playing in the snow.  Yep, 2011 did not disappoint!

2012 holds plenty of promise this early in the year.  A leap year. And an election year, which is both good and bad as the over-information can overwhelm.  However, it is also an Olympic year, and I am already looking forward to the Opening Ceremony in London!  On a personal note, I will be turning one of those significant numbers that end in -0, and in order to make the big four zero an awesome year, I signed up for the Boulder 70.3 which will either be a triumphant moment or an agonizing 'defeat' (do other people remember the Wide World of Sports "Thrill of victory and the agony of defeat" clip?).  We'll see how that all goes!  Finally, major travel plans if all goes well (Chicago, Pacific Northwest, Nicaragua).  

There are plenty of unknowns that are thrown into the mix, but that's the exciting part as I look ahead, anticipating a great year.

Signs of summer

There are definite indications that full-on summer mode is just a day or two away! Some of the more obvious choices to mention include graduation on Sunday night, finishing up grades for the year, and rather suddenly finding myself with such an inordinate amount of free time that I can take random naps (like today) and drink martinis on weeknights (like last night). I do still have plenty on my plate for the next few months - it's a myth that teachers take the summer completely off. Another sign of summer I could mention is "June Gloom", that strange LA weather phenomenon that almost makes me wish for a heat wave.

However, I would like to mention a few signs in my own life that indicate that summer is pretty much here. This isn't a top 10 list, although if I ramble on too much beyond that, then I'll condemn myself for self-indulgence. Here goes:

1. Sleeping in just a little bit!

I know that 6:30 am doesn't sound terribly luxurious, but giving myself the extra 45 minutes on a regular basis feels quite indulgent!

2. Along the lines of sleeping in, walking the dogs in the morning.

Michael claims that task during the work-year, so it feels like quite the treat to stroll through the streets and horse paths with our dogs. It tends to be more fun than the afternoon walks too because the squirrels are out and about, so Gus and Milo are usually very excited during the morning walk.

3. Lunch at home.

I love being able to spend the time to make a nice lunch en casa. That also feels like a luxury! So far this week, I've made scrambled eggs with feta and spinach and also open-face cheese sandwiches.

4. Moving all of my work shoes to the back of the closet!

Seriously, I just have open-toed and casual shoes strategically placed, while all of my other shoes are crammed in the back. I hope to not touch them for 3 months. Actually, I can say the same for all of my work clothes. I've banished them for now!

5. Beginning a summer reading list.

My reading habits have suffered greatly over the past two months, so I need/want to kick into gear. I am finally finishing up "Just Kids" by Patti Smith and am more than ready to move on to something different.

6. Fruit!

One of the pluses of living in Southern CA is that we do have good fruit year-round, but there are certain items that make their annual come-back around this time of the year. So far, I have eaten at least 3 watermelons by myself and a few pounds of cherries. Yes, it is summer indeed!

7. Ice cream?

I confess that I do like ice cream, but Michael and I try to control what could easily become an addiction by leaving our house free of ice cream. Somehow, that understanding has shifted, and I've been purchasing lots of Haagen-dazs ice cream for our consumption. Yesterday, I decided that enough was enough, so I bought Dulce de Leche frozen yogurt. I believe that we finished the pint last night!

There are more formal plans for the summer, but these are a few of the everyday joys that I've encountered now that classes have officially wound down. Yes, summer has definitely arrived!

The end is near!

I realize that "The Rapture" was supposed to happen last Saturday, but no such luck. In my own school calendar world, however, the end does not refer to an apocalyptic event but to that final day when the campus is final free of children, big and small, and we (the faculty) can finally exhale. There are different ways to measure "the end" - is it graduation? The last day of meetings?
Personally, I will exhale on Sunday, June 4, around 9:00 pm. At that point, graduation will have concluded (nice use of the future perfect tense! How often does that happen?), the students will hopefully be on the bus, and then I will wave goodbye to them as the bus doors close and the buses pull away. And then, at that point, the students no longer in my charge. At that point, I will go to the faculty gathering and drink wine and eat lots of coconut shrimp, if there are any left.
In the meantime, yesterday was the last day of classes, and I have my final review session with my intermediate students today in about 30 minutes. They have been GREAT classes. This year, rather than spending the entire final week or two reviewing, I assigned a project. Now, almost any teacher will tell you that the IDEA of a project is often better than the final product. I had major doubts about this project as the students waded into it, and I began to regret that I had not given them more review days. Suprisingly, the final projects were excellent! They were fake news reports; many of the students took a current event and then totally embellished it. One student had me rolling in the aisles of the class with laughter thanks to the "infomercial" for "Bigote en una lata" (Moustache in a can) that he included in his news report. It was actually a great way to end the year with these students.
In the meantime, I am quite excited about the holiday weekend. Major plans abound!

Return from the wilderness

That could be a metaphorical "wilderness" or something much more literal. Not that I would describe camping around Santa Barbara as a wilderness adventure, but one feels a bit closer to nature when having to be on the lookout for skunks at night or when kayaking with dolphins (the former was true; sadly, the latter didn't really happen, but it sounds so awesome!). The kayaking for me always constitutes one of the highlights of an outdoorsy-beach-adventure-type of a trip. One of these days, I promise myself, I will try surfing, but I think I would prefer for it to be on my own terms. For instance, I would rather look awkward as I struggle in and out of the wetsuit without a bunch of 17- and 18-year-olds watching me in my self-conscious splendor.

So, there were some good times, but after a few days of major exposure to the elements, my burnt skin, scalp and toes were crying for a break. Woe to those of us with pale skin and freckles!

And, to be completely honest, I enjoy the camping experience when I am with Michael, our dogs and/or friends. Somehow, spending 3+ days of non-stop so-called fun with students does not have the same appeal, especially when it has already been a long year and when I need a mental break from school and work and people. Camping with kids does not offer that much-needed respite, even though the setting would seemingly offer such a retreat.

I actually returned from the trip completely exhausted and in a bitter mood, feeling unappreciated and disgruntled. So, my experience on the trip did NOTHING to improve my rapport with and amongst the kids, nor did it give me a sense of closure. Of course I realize that the trip is not for my benefit, but I cannot deny that I had hoped for a satisfyingly fun experience. Maybe I would even solidify my coolness factor with some students, if not all. Instead of reveling in fun and uber-coolness, I found myself frustrated and tired. I even wept on the phone with Michael the last night of the trip, and upon my return, I wept again in a colleague/supervisor's office. I was definitely out-of-sorts, since tears are not a normal part of my quotidian experience.

Fortunately, time, rest and good conversations can work wonders when it comes to healing a fragile emotional state (note to self: you are tired at the end of the year).

So can laughter. At the school's Baccalaureate service, which I attend because it is required of me, while there was some grave reflection, there was also much laughter and joy, and my resentment and bitterness dissipated as I congratulated students and shared the happiness that they felt (although my own was deeply tinged in relief) at their many accomplishments.

As they move on, the cycle for me, for my colleagues, will begin anew, but it is certainly time for a break.

Summer beckons, and I must come!