Ambivalence about adulthood

Over the past few years I've learned that creeping responsibilities and maturity have hindered my more puerile preferences and tendencies, and I've taken on more and more trappings of being a functional, mature adult.  Obviously being in an committed relationship and checking off the married box on different forms gives me a greater sense of being settled, and it makes other people see me as an old married lady.  Then, there is the age thing - no way I can get around that!
Despite these labels and the outward acknowledgements of getting older and, maybe, wiser, I often struggle with the idea of adulthood and maturity.  My recent stress flare-up has everything to do with the fact that I'm "in charge" of other adults, and obviously that role seems to challenge me since I spend hours doubting my competence.  Add to that, the grey hairs that continue to spring about my head, threatening to overtake my still-glossy brunette locks (ha ha).  I often entertain the fantasy of getting in the car and leaving everything behind just so that I can be on my own.  You know, the old open road = freedom and adventure metaphor.
Over the past few days (weeks, months, years), I have spent time thinking about what the idea of being an adult means to me.  Not that there are easy answers, but I would like to say that I'm at least making choices about taking on more stress and responsibility.  No one TOLD me to take on a new position, and I knew that it would push me in different ways, and that was one of the reasons that I did want to take on the challenge.  Also, my greatest joys happen to come from the responsibilities that I have or have had.  Today, I briefly saw students who had graduated a few years ago, and even though it was a short encounter, it reminded me of why I *really, really* like this job.  And then, there are our dogs, Gus and Milo.  Talk about responsibility!  While they are not as demanding as children, they are all the children that we plan to have, and I have, to put it mildly, grown attached to them.

The boys in Santa Barbara.

A few recent purchases put into my mind the whole "adult" thing too.  On Saturday, I used a gift card and bought new work shoes.  To me, they are just sooooo middle-aged, proper, responsible and schoolmarmish.  Terrible, in other words.  Everything that I would like to reject! However, they were comfortable and not ugly, so I bought them.  I wore them today, all day, standing up, walking around, pacing back and forth, striding around, and they are great!  But, without a doubt, they make me feel OLD.  

On the other hand, we just got a new bed - our first bed purchased together as a couple after 6 years!  It is a definite upgrade for us, and I can't wait to either sleep deeply on it or toss and turn all night.  Either way, I'll feel like I've "arrived" as an adult, just because we have a new bed!  

So, there are major positives about this whole adulthood thing.  I suppose that I can trade the lack of freedom to roam for close relationships and an awesome new bed!

Obviously other people fully embrace the adult ethos without hesitation.  Perhaps I do have somewhat of a stunted emotional intelligence, OR maybe I'm honest about the ambivalence I feel about putting myself into that 'adult' box?

New shoes!

Ah, it's either the end of the summer season or the new fall season, but no matter how you look at it, people are snapping up sale items or gearing up for the change in weather. My new shoes, however, do not fall into the school/work category. Oh, no, of course not! Why be pragmatic and actually think about returning to work and professional attire while I still have a few more days of flip-flops and t-shirts?

That said, I *did* go out and purchase a new pair of shoes last week. They were on sale, fortunately, but still cost a pretty penny. However, I am going to view them as a good investment, shoes that I will wear pretty much every week, at least once or twice. And so, TA-DA:

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I bring you the Louis Garneau Women's Multi LG MTB Shoes!

While I already owned a pair of cycling shoes that I've been using for spinning classes, the studio only has two bikes that work with my shoes and the cleats that they have (LOOK cleats, which are specifically for road bikes). So, for the past few months, I've dragged myself and sometimes Michael to the studio at least 15 minutes before class started so that I could ensure that I would be on one of the two bikes that worked with my shoes. Let me tell you, what should have been a stress-releasing experience was more often than not terribly stress-inducing because I would feel so pressured to arrive early and to GET THE BIKE!!!

Last week, finally, I broke down and bought these shoes with SPD cleats so that we can approach spinning classes with a slightly more relaxed attitude, at least in terms of our arrival. Michael and I both decided that this purchase probably lowered my blood pressure by a good 50%. I'd call that a healthy investment!

While I'm excited to not have to kill myself or fight with another person just to get the right bike, it seems absurd to me that I now possess TWO pairs of cycling shoes. Hmmmm... I consider myself someone who sort of "dabbles" in cycling, but as I amass more and more gear, I will eventually try to see myself biker chick, just like this (for inspiration):

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Sacrificing myself for the job!

As I mentioned, I returned from the camping trip with major windburn issues. My face was bright red, felt raw and stung, and was dry and peeling in a weird way. I am not a high-intensity lotion person, so I used what I have around the house, but it didn't seem to relieve many of the symptoms. Fortunately, by Saturday, my skin felt and looked almost normal.

Good thing, because I had to attend the Baccalaureate ceremony that night, and I preferred to not schmooze with parents looking too rough around the edges. In fact, by the time I set out, I looked half-way presentable and even wore a pair of black patent heels. A few parents complimented me on my pants which fall into the "dressy" category. That means that I pull them out of my closet about twice a year. I found myself very appreciative of these pants by the end of the evening because my zipper was down while I spoke to a small group of 400 parents and students, but no one noticed. Thank God because I would have resigned on the spot if it had been obvious.

By the end of the evening, my feet were killing me, and I had blisters on both of my feet, near the heel. This could have presented a problem yesterday when I had to dress up YET AGAIN. Having to look dressy and professional two days in a row? Talk about a sucky weekend! Don't get me wrong - I love clothes, but I gravitate to my Chaco or Dansko sandals, easy knit dresses, Patagonia t-shirts, sweaters and fleeces... Yesterday, I put on a mini-fashion show for Michael before he finally approved a silk dress and slingback sandals for graduation. Not that it really matters what I wear since we spend most of the evening in the obligatory cap and gown, but I did want to look presentable before and after (especially for the after-party for faculty and staff! Tons o' fun!). So, all was well, until the end of the evening by which time I had developed terrible blisters on the front of my foot! Seriously, my shoes hate me, or my feet hate my shoes.

Fortunately, I am home today, and moleskin is covering my entire body as I try to recover from the demands of the last week.

Need I say that I am so ready for summer?!