Identity shift - Good-bye Peter Pan!

It's funny - I hit the big four-zero last year, and while I wasn't psyched about the number, it didn't bother me too much nor did I feel that my life radically changed as I entered my forties.  In fact, nothing seemed different except that I moved up an age group, which I viewed as a favorable change, (not that I'm winning any races, by the way).

The past month has presented me with more potential and definite changes than I've had in years, all brought on by buying a house.  I knew that making the house decision would be a huge step for us, but  I had not fully wrapped my head around all of the implications.  Often, when I've made major life changes in the past, I went forward with the change, knowing that there was an exit plan, that I could go back - to where, I'm not sure, but a sense that I was not fully committed to the change.  There are, obviously, a few exceptions to this.  When I was 28 and, after spending 6 fairly miserable years in Philly, I moved to Seattle without a job, without connections and without much of a plan, I knew that it was a jumping off point, one of those "never-look-back" moments (yes, I'm being dramatic), but I needed an 'exit-less' plan so that I could move forward.  The other major change was getting married - but that was a lot more fun and exciting, fortunately, and has remained so.

But most of the other changes have taken the form of moving and also jobs - either changing schools or taking on a new position at the same school (that is the recent paradigm, at least).  These changes have a less permanent feel, which I definitely prefer.  I think about just being in the LA area - I moved here almost 9 years ago with the idea that I would have my southern CA experience before moving on - maybe to the Bay Area, maybe back to Seattle?  I wasn't sure about that next step, but I did know that I would not stay in LA for more than 2-4 years.  Well, those years stretched out, and now I've lived in this area for more years as an adult than any other place that I used to call home.

After living in the Silverlake neighborhood for our first few years here and getting a taste of the urban experience, we've enjoyed an easy situation recently - living close to the school where I work, not worrying about much and not, perhaps, taking much responsibility for too much either.  The decision to  buy a house was somewhat prompted by financial reasons, but the idea of moving from the bubble in which we live appealed to both of us. Now that the bubble has burst, as we plan to leave this easy, convenient lifestyle, I've felt excited but slightly overwhelmed.  We got the keys to the house last week, and just within the past 10 days, home ownership has been an education.  How much does a fridge cost?!  A paint job?  What ELSE do we have to do to do the house - if not this year, the next?  And then the next?

In addition to the sense of responsibility, I think the idea that there is no easy exit has freaked me out just a bit too.  When we adopted Gus and Milo, our dogs, we recognized that the option to just pick up and move somewhere else had closed.  Not that we couldn't do it, but it would be more challenging because we had to consider our pups.  Now, not only do we have to consider the dogs, but we'll have a house to sell.  It does seem that life has become more complicated and I feel that it is heavier, in a way.  There is some added gravitas to our life, in one way or another.

As a friend said when I told her that we bought a house "Congratulations!  You've become an adult!". She didn't mean it as an insult nor did I take it as such.  But the Peter Pan days for us are definitely over.  I suppose that's the identity shift to which I refer in the title.  Not that I'm trying to be a 20 or 30-something cool cat, but embracing the changes that come with the house has challenged me and the image that I've had of my life - our life.  Colorado or the Bay Are was always a decision away, if we wanted to make that move, and now it isn't that easy.

Michael has reminded me - the day that we got the keys and I thought to myself "Oh shit! What the hell have we done!" - that we can always sell.  This isn't a no-exit change, but it IS a change.  Especially now that I see a summer painting project in my future.

Oh, Peter Pan, where are you now?

Ambivalence about adulthood

Over the past few years I've learned that creeping responsibilities and maturity have hindered my more puerile preferences and tendencies, and I've taken on more and more trappings of being a functional, mature adult.  Obviously being in an committed relationship and checking off the married box on different forms gives me a greater sense of being settled, and it makes other people see me as an old married lady.  Then, there is the age thing - no way I can get around that!
Despite these labels and the outward acknowledgements of getting older and, maybe, wiser, I often struggle with the idea of adulthood and maturity.  My recent stress flare-up has everything to do with the fact that I'm "in charge" of other adults, and obviously that role seems to challenge me since I spend hours doubting my competence.  Add to that, the grey hairs that continue to spring about my head, threatening to overtake my still-glossy brunette locks (ha ha).  I often entertain the fantasy of getting in the car and leaving everything behind just so that I can be on my own.  You know, the old open road = freedom and adventure metaphor.
Over the past few days (weeks, months, years), I have spent time thinking about what the idea of being an adult means to me.  Not that there are easy answers, but I would like to say that I'm at least making choices about taking on more stress and responsibility.  No one TOLD me to take on a new position, and I knew that it would push me in different ways, and that was one of the reasons that I did want to take on the challenge.  Also, my greatest joys happen to come from the responsibilities that I have or have had.  Today, I briefly saw students who had graduated a few years ago, and even though it was a short encounter, it reminded me of why I *really, really* like this job.  And then, there are our dogs, Gus and Milo.  Talk about responsibility!  While they are not as demanding as children, they are all the children that we plan to have, and I have, to put it mildly, grown attached to them.

The boys in Santa Barbara.

A few recent purchases put into my mind the whole "adult" thing too.  On Saturday, I used a gift card and bought new work shoes.  To me, they are just sooooo middle-aged, proper, responsible and schoolmarmish.  Terrible, in other words.  Everything that I would like to reject! However, they were comfortable and not ugly, so I bought them.  I wore them today, all day, standing up, walking around, pacing back and forth, striding around, and they are great!  But, without a doubt, they make me feel OLD.  

On the other hand, we just got a new bed - our first bed purchased together as a couple after 6 years!  It is a definite upgrade for us, and I can't wait to either sleep deeply on it or toss and turn all night.  Either way, I'll feel like I've "arrived" as an adult, just because we have a new bed!  

So, there are major positives about this whole adulthood thing.  I suppose that I can trade the lack of freedom to roam for close relationships and an awesome new bed!

Obviously other people fully embrace the adult ethos without hesitation.  Perhaps I do have somewhat of a stunted emotional intelligence, OR maybe I'm honest about the ambivalence I feel about putting myself into that 'adult' box?

Pizza and Pancakes and Thai - the ideal diet

Over the weekend, I witnessed how I would eat if I still lived on my own, and it was fun and tasty, but not very healthy in the long run. Because he wasn't feeling well, Michael lived off Progresso soup, which he has now sworn off for at least a year. Fortunately, our Costco stock usually lasts about that long, enough to get us through a few rounds of sickness. While he was slurping down different variations of processed chicken noodle soup, I was eating exactly what I wanted.

Not that I don't eat what I want, but I do try to eat like an adult - lots of greens, some protein, homemade meals to one degree or another.

With him being sick, I fully gave into my carb cravings. Yesterday, for example, I made pancakes for myself for breakfast. After a MILE SWIM (!!), I bought a frozen pizza from Trader Joe's and wolfed it down before taking a nice nap. Then, last night, I ordered Thai for the both of us - Tom Yum soup and Pad Thai.

He's feeling better, so I'm now trying to act more responsible with my food choices.

With the exception of some Sun Chips as a mid-morning snack, of course!