Hello, midlife crisis!

It's cliché but...

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I've officially decided that, yes, I am in the midst of a midlife crisis (and I started this post, somehow published it without finishing it, so maybe that's enough said, enough proof, do I really need to add other thoughts and/or examples?).

But, I think that this is where I am "at" in my life.  Mid-40s, lots of transitions right now, a healthy dose of uncertainty, and, yes, I'll take that crisis.

To be honest, I probably felt this coming on last year, but triathlon proved to be a fantastic diversion for most of the year, and then the fall is always a busy time with the return to school.  So, right about now - the February doldrums - the stars should align for that crisis moment.

Much of this is provoked by major changes that we are planning - good changes but stressful.  I've alluded to this before, so I should put it out there, although I kind of hate to make a life announcement in the same breath that I'm talking about a crisis.  Oh well, not much to do about that.   Yes, the major change - we finally decided to bite the bullet and move to Colorado this summer!  

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Not a bad place to be...  But, at the moment, I don't have a job yet and am kind of/really freaking out, even though it IS still premature.  However, with so many people in my life asking me about said job, it doesn't exactly calm me down.  And there are plenty of other "known unknowns" along with those "unknown unknowns" a la Rumsfeld.  

Before I focus too much on the anxiety that this change is provoking (or is a part of?), I have to say that the move to Colorado is NOT a midlife crisis decision.  It's actually something that we've wanted to do...  probably ever since we married.  Year after year, we return to Colorado at least twice to visit friends and family and to enjoy skiing, biking, hiking, you name it.  We definitely love the opportunities to pursue an active lifestyle there, but that isn't the only motivating factor - after all, we live in CA and there are plenty of opportunities here too!  Being closer to family and friends (we have several friends who have migrated to the Boulder/Denver area over the past few years) is a major factor, and, we feel that long-term, this is where we want to be.  Rather than continuing to delay the plan ("Maybe next year, maybe in five years..."), we decided that we needed to just do it, as Nike recommends.  

All of these changes are unfolding, and I am trying, without much success, to wrap my mind around the complex equation of finishing out my school year in an active and engaged manner, looking for a job (without taking rejection too hard), training for triathlon, and, the big one, picking up and moving - leaving friends, relationships, patterns that have all developed over 10 years.  It's a bit much to handle at times, but I'm trying!  

And to return to the midlife crisis moment - I can't totally separate it from all of the other changes happening in our lives.  It does provoke me, in a good way, to think about what's next and to think about what I want to do, how do I want to live.  These are questions that sprawl, once you pose them to yourself, and once they take up residency, they REALLY take up real estate in your brain.  Or they have for me.  Most days, I enjoy teaching, and on a good day, I *love* teaching, and Ican definitely see myself in the classroom until I retire, whenever that is.  On the other hand, I also think that I would be okay with stepping away from the classroom, or taking some sort of a break and doing something different.  But what that "different" is, I'm not sure.  Not knowing is kind of scary, and leaving a job that has been so rewarding in many ways while also secure does unsettle me quite a bit.  I think that it's a good moment in my life to be unsettled, but it's not easy.  I'm sure that there are about two dozen, if not more, quotes about things that aren't easy being well worth the challenge.  And I agree with that in theory, but living that experience is different.  

However, as much as I'm a bit afraid of the unknown, I'd also like to embrace it.  I used to pick up my life on a more regular basis, but I haven't in a while.  So, maybe I need to get used to the unknown again.  And, maybe I need to do the same for this little crisis -  embrace it, ride through the storm and see where I end up on the other side.

Stinkday

*Updated with correct grammar!

Today, being Wednesday, is commonly known as "Humpday".  I have named this particular Wednesday, however, "STINK" day because of a very unfortunate encounter between this creature:

And this one:

(Nice tongue, I know)

Yep, I let Gus out this morning to go pee, and when I went to let him in, I thought I saw him tugging on some black thing in the corner of our yard.  The entire neighborhood has been smelling like skunk, so I knew, pretty much immediately, that he had been fooling around with a skunk.  As he ran towards the house, freaked out, I had the good sense to close the door on his face.  Not before, however, a good whiff of the skunk stink filled my nostrils and made me want to puke.  

Seriously, I have never in my whole life smelled something so awful.  And my dog now smelled awful.  And I needed to go to work in 30 minutes, so how was I going to deal with this?

Oh, yeah, that's when I woke up Michael exclaiming "FUCK, Michael, FUCK, I can't believe this, FUCK".  We washed him, threw him in the pool, washed him again, and then put him on a lead outside.  Gus, meanwhile, was shaking and had also proceeded to puke all over the back door (dry-heaving, we suppose).  I didn't blame him - I felt like throwing up myself which is why I left the house without eating breakfast or drinking coffee.

The skunk, by the way, was still in our backyard, so Michael called Animal Control who came and took the animal away.  In addition to the skunk, a raccoon also decided to visit our yard.  Honestly?!  What the hell is going on?!

I, meanwhile, went through my day feeling quite sorry for myself.  First of all, I stunk.  I'm not sure if anyone else truly smelled me, but I could not get the memory of the smell out of my mind.  Isn't it strange to think of the connection between smell and memory?  I believe that Proust writes eloquently about taste and memory.  This, unfortunately, was not quite so pleasant as his story because I felt nauseous all day long.  I did, however, use the incident to illicit sympathy from my students.  Isn't that terrible?  Total emotional blackmail.

However, I did gain some important information from one of my students - she said that leaving a can of ground coffee around the parts of the house that smell (because we did have those) would absorb the odor.  I went to the supermercado right after school and cleared out the coffee section.  Actually, I just bought two cans, but she was right and I'm now giving her an A.  Which she already had, but, hey, I like to pretend to bribe students.  

At this point, the victim of Pepe Le Pew is still a bit stinky, but I don't want to puke in his presence, so that's major progress!  He will not, however, be sleeping in our room.  Pobrecito - it's been a rough day for all of us.

January review

Happy end of the month!  A part of me hesitates to produce a "this-is-what-I-did-in-January" report because then it reduces all of the experiences and emotions to a handful of final products.  So, we'll see if I nix this month-in-review thing before I become obsessed with some report to myself.  On the other hand, since I do want to focus more on the triathlon thing, I am interested to see if there are changes from month to month, not so much in my overall performance but in my attitude towards the whole swim, bike, run thing.
I did, however, want to start the 2012 year and an actual training cycle with a different mindset - a bit more serious one - and I also decided that to improve overall, I needed to focus on the bike portion.  My swimming skills aren't super awesome, but in the whopping two triathlons that I've finished, I don't completely suck at the swim.  I do, however, suck in the saddle.  To that end, I have spent plenty of time going to spin classes, but, more importantly, I was in the saddle a whopping FOUR times this month.  Okay, that makes it obvious to anyone that I do not pretend to be a biker chick, but it is about three times more than I rode last year in January, so I'll take it as progress.  Additionally, for each ride, I had a great time and even thought to myself, "I could learn to love this!".
The other change for 2012?  I am determined that I will not suffer an injury (love that I think that I have absolute control over that).  Last year, I endured two months without running, and I would very much like to avoid that happening.  With that in mind, I have resigned myself to being a low-mileage runner.  Not that I am limiting myself to two or three mile runs (nothing wrong with that, by the way), but as a weekly average, I barely break 15 miles and sometimes don't even hit double digits for the week.  As a result of the focus on biking and on not injuring myself from running too much, I am quite convinced that my running game has suffered.  To add to the sense that I'm a failed runner, I haven't even signed up for a running race/event for 2012 which makes me feel totally lame.  At this point, a part of me fears that I will  lose my running mojo and not remember HOW to kick it into gear, and then another part of me realizes that such a fear is complete nonsense.  Sort of nonsense.
At any rate, I am realizing that it is impossible for me to truly balance the swim/bike/run thing and feel content with every single skill set that I do or don't have.  Mainly don't have.
As for not suffering an injury - in addition to lower mileage than makes me truly euphoric, I've committed myself to continue to see the chiropractor, to weights and to pilates!  I'm not 100% that the chiropractor's snaps truly help all of my IT band/joint/problematic body issue(s), but it does make me feel that I am being proactive and I do feel better on runs following visits to him.  Lifting weights hasn't gone too well since I only lifted weights once in January.  Maybe I'll do some tonight?!  I know, however, that I need to continue to do strength-training exercises for my knee.  Finally, I attended my first pilates class in 5 years last week, and the experience was transformative!  I left feeling stretched out, as though my muscles and joints were finally in line.  Mind you, my abs were screaming the next two days, but I really liked the class.  I can't do yoga because so many poses put stress on my knees (I know that it is probably not yoga's fault but my own since yoga is miraculous for everyone - eye roll over here), but pilates rocks!
Two final notes - okay, maybe three.
One other change I wanted to make this year was to connect with a "tri-community" here in Southern CA.  Let me first say that just hearing/reading that phrase sort of makes my skin crawl a bit for a few reasons.  One is that I am still a newbie when it comes to the "tri" thing.  Secondly, community means people and that means that I have to socialize, probably with random strangers, and talk about myself and about them and relate to people that I don't know well.  I don't consider myself a social idiot, but I don't revel in meeting new people.  So, this goal definitely pushes me out of my comfort zone.  However, I met the challenge that I set for myself and joined a facebook group (I hate facebook, but that's an entirely new topic) and have now gone out on two group runs during which I actually spoke to interesting people.  This coming weekend, I am planning/hoping to hook up for a ride.  Now that will be a new experience as I actually ride WITH people!

Shew, that was a lot of talk about my body.  Moving on, one of my other goals for the year is to try out  two new recipes a month, and at least one has to be from one of the many cookbooks that we possess.  I made it until Sunday without meeting this goal, and then I ended up cooking a new chicken dish from Good Meat, a cookbook that I gave Michael for his birthday, and trying out this pumpkin and feta savory muffin recipe.  Both were pretty much successful - the chicken was a cardamon roasted chicken for which we also got to use the mortar and pestle that I gave Michael for his birthday last year (hmm, see a trend?), and the muffins are a healthy snack to eat during the day, packed with butternut squash (not pumpkin for us), kale and feta cheese.  I do feel that they could use a bit more fat in them - maybe I'll add some bacon grease?!

One final note about January - I did have a pretty rockin' birthday and am, so far, enjoying my 40's.  I still don't see myself as middle aged, but I do have to recognize that I'll be there sooner or later!  While it would be rude (I think) to talk too much about presents, I will say that I scored with these two in particular:

A 5-inch Shun Nakiri knife that is one of the most awesome things I've ever used in the kitchen, maybe even out of the kitchen.  I do worry about my fingers though!

Ah, Patagonia sweaters, how do I love thee?  I was given this in bordeaux rather than seaweed (color shown above).  I also think that I should be a Patagonia model.  They clearly haven't discovered my talent!

A look back at the 30's

Well, if I had anything on my before-I-turn-forty bucket list, it's a bit too late to worry about it now since that day is rapidly approaching.  Holy cow!

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I fulfilled the only urgent to-do-before-I-turn-forty item yesterday - went to the DMV and renewed my license!  I only had to wait an hour too, which wasn't bad.  When I left, the line just to pick up paperwork was about 10 people deep.  Crazy!

Before I reflect on the nature of turning 40 and what that means, let me just say that I am leaving this decade in a better place than where I was when I entered it.  I feel that I actually became somewhat of an adult over the past 10 years, and not just because I finally met one of society's standards of measurements by getting married.  In every other way, I still fall into "irresponsible" category (no house, no kids, I don't even have a car to myself these days).  However, I do feel that I've changed for the better, just like a fine wine improves.

Seriously though, I'd call myself a late-bloomer without any hesitation.  I was pretty much a disaster throughout my 20's, so things could only look up.  Fortunately, they did!

Not to reduce the decade to bullet points or a quick paragraph, but looking back, I can see significant moments that have shaped how and where I am now.  For instance:

- Moving from Seattle to Monterey, Ca.  That was a hard decision, and there were so many times in the years following the move that I questioned the decision.  However, it WAS exciting to live in California, an experience that I never planned or necessarily wanted.  I explored the Central Coast and got to know the Monterey Peninsula, Big Sur (one of those must-see places!), Santa Cruz and even San Francisco, which was an easy weekend get-away.

- After 3 years in Monterey, moving to the LA area where I've lived in 3 areas or neighborhoods, all very different.  Again, I never imagined that I would live in Southern Ca nor that I would stay here for going on seven years nor that it would feel so much like "home" to me.

- Getting hitched!  After a whirlwind two years of bicoastal flights and long weekends together, Michael gave up his super urban New York lifestyle.  It still amazes me that what started as a great fling in Colorado at some friends' wedding gained serious traction, and, well, here we are.  Cheers to that!

- Adopting Gus and Milo, obviously!  What a game-changer that was.  I was so dog-crazy a few years ago that we even started the search to buy a house so that we could get a dog.  Note that I said A dog, not two.  But we ended up with two pretty fantastic mutts who are great travel companions, accompanying us to San Francisco, Seattle, annual trips to Colorado and even to Texas!  And they are our daily companions too, enriching our lives and sometimes driving us crazy.  

- After bouncing around job-wise, I've seemingly become more responsible and stable on that front and have taken on new roles and different challenges.  It has been a great experience to grow professionally and personally at a place of work, and I do feel lucky for that.
- The 30's have definitely been marked by a range of travel, near and far.  While there are large swaths of the state of California and the American West in general that I have yet to explore, I do know some places quite intimately thanks to yearly pilgrimages (Boulder, CO and San Francisco come to mind) and have been north and south on the 5, east and west on the 10, the 15, and highways in between with stops in Oregon, Montana, Wyoming, Utah, Arizona and New Mexico.  Plus, a few trips to Spain and France and Ecuador.  Peripatetic indeed!
- Other changes are more subtle - better food and drinking as I've developed a taste for dirty martinis and good beer, in addition to wine of both colors; creaking bones and more grey hairs but still enjoying fairly good health; a penchant for REI, Patagonia, and 'gear' in general; dressing better for work (that's actually kind of a bummer) while keeping up a great t-shirt collection and sock collection; doing more 'couples-things' while still being an individual; getting to run again; living in a one of the most boring towns in the world that happens to have access to so many adventures.

Maybe because I am so content with where I am now, I don't have a list of improvements for myself for the next decade.  While, yes, I am still not perfect and probably won't ever be (ha ha - the "probably" is a joke), I don't need dramatic changes in my life.  If they come about, positive and negative, I hope that I can manage them without a kerfuffle*, but maybe a bit of chaos will keep me on my toes, lest I become TOO content with my life.  That is the delicate balance for me, but I've struck a nice equilibrium at the moment.
We shall see how long I can sustain it!

Kerfuffle - A commotion or fuss.